carrying a gun

OK, so now like what the fuck???

I got home about 4:50pm and was in soooo much pain from too much walking during the day, that I immediately popped a vicodin. A few hours later I took a 12.5mg Ambien CR so I could just fall asleep, and I didnapos;t even come close to falling asleep. So I just now took another one...and ummm, I would really like a nice nights sleep so bad.

So, now here I am...at almost 2am...watching "Speed" on Comcast...haha, this cheezy fucking movie..."pop quiz hot stot?? My head is killing me and Iapos;m sooo exhausted from stress, from life, from emotions...from everything. Me just want to sleepy soooooo bad ;c/

I think Iapos;m just gonna turn off the tv and the laptop...and lay in the dark until it just happens...if it doesnapos;t happen soon...Iapos;m totally gonna cry ;c/

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endographic

there has been entirely too much coming and going. I spend all my days on trains.

saturday night we went out for mikeapos;s birthday. He was over an hour late. This shouldnapos;t surprise us, but did. I call his parents looking for him (they donapos;t answer)

something about st marks place that makes me feel so old.

sunday doug and i wandered up to times square planning to see a play but ultimately decided against it and ended up sitting in bryant park for a bit instead.

it is too cold to get out of bed in the morning.

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data storage computers

This week at work I got 4 straight days of Silverlight training. The reason 6 of the media developers got this privilege is because one of our clients *cough MS* would like us to use their product instead of Adobe products. Totally understandable I think.

At the same time I canapos;t seem to embrace the software. Iapos;m not sure if this is due to a bias on my part for Adobe (even though I am biased for other companies compared to them... And I tried to be as objective and open as I could during the training) but I had a tough time swallowing the load.

First thereapos;s the matter that Adobe Flash and Adobe Flex were out before Expressions Blend. That doesnapos;t make Adobeapos;s products any better, it just means theyapos;ve been in the business longer. Longer market availability means several things: 1) Almost everyone has the flash player installed in their browser already, 2) up until now Flash/Flex is the only product of itapos;s kind and thus all interactive media developers/designers already work with it and know it well, 3) the product is tested much more and therefore much more dependable at this point in time.

Combine that with what Iapos;ve seen over the past few days and the only reason I can see that someone would switch from using Flash/Flex to Blend/Visual Studio is if they already know the programming language used in the Silverlight package (C#) better than actionscript. If thatapos;s the case I totally understand switching to the product... IF your intent is to make an internet application. If your intent is to create animations then stick with Flash. Now it might just be a new environment thatapos;s giving us so much trouble - new interface, new logic to how things work, new setup... But I have to say itapos;s hard to animate something as easily as it is in Flash.

But what really made me squirm in my seat was the presentation the instructor gave to the whole office, as well as colleagues who also took the training with me. It was presented as if all the things being done were amazing, new things. I was rather happy when a co-worker asked "So... Can Flash do all this as well?" And the answer was yes. It can. Itapos;s been doing it for way longer than the Silverlight package has. Demos? Yep, some nice demos to show what it can do. Guess what? Flash/Flex can do that too and has been for some time.

What also got me is that one of my co-workers tried to learn Flex a while back and complained it was too complicated. One complaint was about the format of the scripting langages (MXML and actionscript). But while weapos;re learning Silverlight (XMAL and C#) they proclaimed they thought these formats were good and powerful. MXML and XAML are the same format - XML. Just different node names to make the programs work. So thereapos;s no reason why they should like XAML any better than MXML. But what about C# vs. Actionscipt you might say? Maybe they didnapos;t like using actionscript with Flash/Flex but like C#? I highly doubt that, considering they had no previous C# experience at all and they know actionscript due to the fact that theyapos;ve been using it forever. And you canapos;t decide you like C# better than actionscript in a matter of 2 days (around abouts when they made the comment).

What it really comes down to is that Blend is a mix of both Flash and Flex in one program. Iapos;ve been wishing recently that Adobe would just combine Photoshop/Illustrator/Flash/Flex into one program and be done with it so we donapos;t have to switch between programs. But if this type of monster is the result, Iapos;m all for separation of jobs. But hereapos;s the problem - Flex is for developers to help them with the design of their apps, just as Blend really is for developers to design decent-looking apps. Why is this a problem? Because Microsoft tried to put an animation/design aspect on Blend (thatapos;d be like sticking Flash into Flex), and truthfully I think itapos;s just crappy. Donapos;t try to compete with Flash, Microsoft. Youapos;re area is coding, not design. If youapos;re gonna shine with the coding crowd (which MS already has a huge following in that respect), stick with competing with Flex. You have a chance there.

One of my co-workers mentioned that when the instructor said "itapos;s easy to design things with it" to the crowd they thought "no it isnapos;t." Granted that same person probably would have said the same thing if they tried to make an app in Flex - but thatapos;s the point. The instructor said itapos;s easy to design for because they were a programmer. Anything that makes their job easier and look better automatically means itapos;s easy to them. But for a designer, the more complex the user-interaction with the software and the more complex the steps to just make something work interactivity wise is harder. So, for designers, Flex and Blend are too complicated. For developers Flash is too restricted, crappy and not powerful enough.

The difference is also in the project youapos;re making. Something that has lots of design elements and little coding vs. Something thatapos;s all coding and just skinning a few buttons and maybe adding some pre-worked images from a photographer/designer. Animation vs. Application.

The point is that we wouldnapos;t use Flex in our development where I work because we can do all we need in Flash. Now weapos;re being asked to do the same work with a program that is a mix between Flash and Flex, but whose Flash-like properties are crappy. Iapos;ll learn it. But when I have a choice Iapos;m sticking to Flash and Flex. Why Flex over Blend? See paragraph 3.
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austin elementary dunwoody

I come from alcohol.
I was set down in it like a spark in gas.
I lay down dumb with it, I let it erase what it liked.
I played house with it, let it dress me, undress me.
I exulted, I excused.
I married it. And where it went, I went.
I gave birth to it.
I nursed, I plotted murder with it.
I laid its table, paid its promises.
I lived with it wherever it liked to live:
in the kitchen, under the bed, at the coin laundry,
out by the swings, in the back seat of the car,
at the trashed Thanksgiving table.
I sat with it in the blear of TV.
I sat where it glittered, carmine,
where it burned in a blunt glass,
where it stood in a glittering lineup on the bar.
I saw it in the dull mirror, making up my face,
in the weekend silence,
in the smashed dish, in the slammed car door,
in the dead husband, the love.
Alcohol in the torn journal.
Alcohol in the void mirror.
My generations are of alcohol
and all that I could ever hope to bear.
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ethical issues in businesses

Control.
I yearn for it bur do i really have it? I think not but as a master of deceit I manage to even fool myself into believing. Although if the lie is so impenetrable itapos;s accepted as the truth is that not in fact the truth then?

I tell myself I donapos;t feel lonely despite being alone. For the most part it is true.
Still there is an emptiness inside me that Iapos;m not able to fill myself.
I surround myself with voices for strength love and protection. Through them I can convey my true feelings. Through them I feel cherished and cared for. I envelope myself in the sound. Their voices across my skin, a poor substitute for another beings warmth and touch.
It brings me comfort though. A little. Words not spoken, feelings not shared. All thatapos;s locked away inside leaking out with the sounds that you carry through the air. Every drumbeat every guitar riff every spoken word. Right now the power flowing out of the speakers are there only for me holding me close and shielding me from everything that threatens to consume me.�
- - - -

I long for you but I know youapos;d not fulfill my desires.
Youapos;d not hold me close like I wish you to
nor brush my chin with gentle fingers.
Cup my face in your gentle palm.
Kiss my forehead, eyelids and mouth with your soft lips.
I know all of this still I want you beside me.

Why do I want you? I cant answer that. I just do.

Itapos;s strange. I know what I want and what I donapos;t want in all cases except you.
You stir my world, makes chaos, destroy everything and force me to rebuild.
Perhaps thatapos;s it.
Iapos;m Parvati and youapos;re my Shiva....

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abbot darrel dimebag

Thereapos;s the old standby "walked into a door," but "fell into the dishwasher?" really. How is that possible? iapos;m glad you asked.

so i was emptying the dishwasher. Dangerous, i know. I emptied the bottom drawer and slid it back into place. I started on the top drawer. I took out the plastic pitcher and lid and placed it on top of the fridge. I got distracted by what i think is a lot of heat coming from the back of the fridge. (how much heat is too much heat? i mean, is there SUPPOSED to be heat coming off a fridge? maybe we need to clean it... ANYWAY...) so iapos;m on my tippie-toes, the dishwasher door and drawer are open, thereapos;s a narrow bit of room between the fridge and dishwasher, and i leeeeeeaaaan over to feel around the top of the fridge when *WHOOPS* and my sock-feet suddenly slide out from under me.

i grab for the fridge freezer drawer which of course OPENS, fall INTO the open drawer of the dishwasher with my back right shoulder slamming the drawer shut, and miraculously manage to stop myself from falling onto the open door of the dishwasher so i donapos;t snap it off completely. I do however fall to the floor, wedging myself sideways between the little narrow 6-8 inch space of open flooring between the fridge and the dishwasher.

i donapos;t know how i caught myself, or how i only managed to hurt my back shoulder and nothing else. I didnapos;t even wrench anything not my leg, or my back, or my wrist but my shoulder was tender and bruisy last night, hurt to lay down on it, and is still hurty this morning. Iapos;m lucky i didnapos;t sprain a wrist or break the dishwasher, and from the sound of glasses smashing into each other, itapos;s a miracle nothing was broken in there either

after the adrenaline wore off though i was sooo tired and achy and exhausted. If Heroes hadnapos;t been on, iapos;d have gone to bed much earlier than 10 p.m. TWD volunteered to finish the dangerous task of emptying the dishes and he even loaded all the dinner dishes into it again and carried my gym bag this morning and all kinds of nice things. (awwwww... *sniffle*)

srsly though, only me. "so, what happened to your shoulder?" "oh that. I fell into the dishwasher."

whatev, man. What EV.
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bull durham wav files

So...Iapos;m exhausted. I feel very tired for some reason (could be that itapos;s four am and Iapos;m still awake). But actually, Iapos;ve felt tired all day, even though I canapos;t sleep yet. I also keep feeling icky sick and my chest hurts. But oh well.

On another note, Iapos;ve started looking for a job in Columbia. Iapos;m pretty much decided that Iapos;m going to be moving with three other people. Iapos;m pretty excited. There should be more to do in Columbia (not to mention better restaurants and more shopping) Course Columbia is where we go when we are bored...so I wonder where we will go once we live in Columbia. There are some great apartments next to Josh and Steph that we are pretty sure we want. They are super nice. We looked at other places, but the one place made Jessica uncomfortable (she didnapos;t like the neighborhood) and the Links reminded her of a cult (not to mention they were super expensive and didnapos;t even include utilities in the rent. So we are pretty much decided on these awesome apartments. Canapos;t wait.

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forward integration backward integration

I HATE this.

Every time i eat something that isnapos;t something small like a couple of�berries or a few spoonfulls of dried cereal, my stomach swells out into a ginormous pot belly Like today, i ate�a�pancake. It was only 1 small one that i�made from flour and egg and water; and it made�my stomach HUGE I donapos;t understand this.

Height: 5"8
CW: 107.4
LW: 105.2
GW: 99

It just seems that my stomach balloons out every time i eat. I hate it Does anyone else have this problem?
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beyonce hot screensaver wallpaper

I GET TO MEET TAPS AGAIN

My fience I have been trying to figure out a good time to see the entire group on either an investigation or something else, because Ft. Mifflin was just...AMAZING. We had such a good time, and they were so awesome that it was devastating when we had to go home. :(

however, I was checking MySpace this afternoon, I discovered an ad on Grantapos;s journal reminding us of the Tourrette Syndromeapos;s Benefit in New Jersey. We only live an hour and a half from that state, and tickets are only $75 a piece. Itapos;s not an actual investigation, but itapos;s still a chance to see and hopefully talk to the entire team again. And im all for supporting Tango, who Iapos;ve read has a minor version of the disease. My fienceapos;s sister apparently does as well, so weapos;d be supporting more than one person going to this. :)

im so excited and itapos;s on a Sunday so we wonapos;t have to loose time from work, could take a weekend down there. So frigging sweet

and yes, I AM ENGAGED NOW as of Wednesday Oct 8th I am officially getting married. *twirls happily* and my fience proposed on the top floor of a beautiful haunted restaraunt in Pennsylvania LOL. Extremely appropriate, and i cant wait to tell Jason and Grant ;)
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